Tuesday, 30 October 2012


Two weeks ago tomorrow after my 9 am lecture I got a phone call from my mum telling me that my dad had died of a heart attack. I don't tend to write about my personal life on the blog yet on this occasion I shall make an exception. Anyone that knows me knows that I am quite the fighter and undying optimist which has meant that in the days that followed I tried everything to continue my daily life, following my fashion and university obligations and offering  my mum the support and  fighting spirit she needed to deal with the immediate aftermath. I don't like to open up about my feelings or show weakness and have only told a handful of people close to me, one reason in particular for this being my dislike of the resulting  well intentioned yet often awkward sympathy I would be at the receiving end of.  This blog post is hence more for me than you the reader, a way to pen my feelings that  I may not be able to share in conversation but that still need to be aired in order to process and eventually, as is human nature, move on. 

Me and my dad had a far from easy relationship, for one he thought I was wasting my time with fashion and failed to understand why I would choose it as career, something that especially since I moved to London for university two years ago meant we didn't talk a lot and caused me to develop a lot of resentment towards him. He was a very complex human being and far from the perfect father figure or family man which has made loosing him the more complex, the many unresolved issues I hold against him irrevocably linked with the loss of the dad that I spent few yet unforgettable childhood days with and who engrained my love for electronic music and Quentin Tarantino films in me. Despite our issues I have always sought his approval, whether achieving  straight A's or getting into UCL, something that I will continue to do, a drive to succeed that I have to thank him for. 

And that's what it comes down to I think, of course he wasn't perfect and a rose tinted view of him is impossible but its the finality of this loss and the fact that I no longer can prove him wrong about my love for fashion that despite all his faults will make me miss him dearly. 


Nina said...

I'm so sorry for you loss, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. My grandfather passed away a few months ago and that brought up a lot of confusing feelings because of how our relationship was, it's hard to work through all of that, it just takes time. I'm sure that whatever you go on to achieve in your life your dad will be incredibly proud of you.
Sending my love and thoughts to you

Rosalind said...

Stella, I know I have seen you since - but I very much appreciated reading this post to have a little more insight into the relationship with your dad. Families are complex (and complicated), and are often not as easy as one might hope. But that will to success that your dad instilled in you is one that I have certainly witnessed - I do not say it lightly when I claim that I'm sure you have something bright ahead. You have been in my thoughts in the last two weeks, and I'm sending you and your family plenty of love. xxx

XaruXamĂș said...

I'm really sorry for you and I understand your loss, a little.
Be with your mother and enjoy the present.

Helena said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad <3 I know how hard it is to open up and talk to people about feelings and this is a good way of doing it. Ive lost two important men in my life over the last two months and my biggest sympathies are with you during this hard time xxxx

Mefie uk said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I saw you for the first time last week at the Grazia Blogger event and your charisma and tenacity shone through. This is the first time that I have had the chance to log on to your blog and was shocked to read about your loss. I wish you all the success in the future--your passion and whit was infectious and I hope you can take some comfort in that. My sympathies are with you and your family.

launa said...

Your probably sick of hearing people say sorry to you by now
What i will say is i know how you feel i lost my mum at a young age which makes it slightly different but a loss all the same.
Things do get better, enjoy what you have now and if anything let it bring you closer to the rest of your family x
My thoughts are with you :) x

TheLondonModelCitizen said...

hi Stella,

I was just looking at your recent blog posts on Bloglovin and I saw this post! I'm so sorry for you loss of your fatheR.

Sending all my love to you.

Keep strong.

Natasha xxx

Dunia C. said...

i´ve just found your blog thanks to this post (http://amintaonline.com/be-you-nique/) and scrolling down i´ve seen this post. i know it´s three weeks late but sorry for your loss, i hope you and your mother are feeling better now

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