Sunday, 6 October 2013

1 Year On.

Anniversaries are great and something we look forward to if they are celebrating and commemorating a happy occasion. However annivessaries of a more somber nature are, as I have been finding out in the last few days, a lot harder to deal with. On the 17th October it will have been a year since I received a phone call after my 9 am lecture on Catherine the Great  that my dad had died from a heart attack during the night, two days after his 56th birthday.  In the year that has past I have become an adult, graduated from university, found a job I love and have managed to become near completely self reliant. It sounds easy on paper and in my stubbornness I have powered through it, my ambiton and determination to succeed edging me on. Of course it hasn’t been that simple. From one minute to the next the structure of a normal family that as much as I had issues with my father ( and there were no doubt many) at once disappeared. I had to find a job after university because I could no longer fall back on parental monetary support. I had to quickly learn how to deal with adult responsibilities because I could no longer pass these annoying little tasks on to anyone but myself.
In a way I was lucky to have made a life for me in London already. Indeed one of the main struggles was not about me but about witnessing my mother essentially loose her purpose in life. Coming from a generation that was only ever meant to be a housewife she was plunged into a lonely, dark and lost place that she is still struggling to find her way out of. We are so used to being the child in the relationship with our parents no matter what age that it was extremely hard for me to suddenly having to be a parent like figure in terms of emotional support and reason to her whilst of course also dealing with the turbulences of deciding on and setting off on the rest of my life after the end of university. Seeing someone that you love so much confused and volatile to the point where there seems to be no solution but to let them make their own mistakes and not knowing when and how she will be happy again has been heartbreaking. I have had great friends that have become like my family and that have offered me the support and also fun to keep  me a slightly more sane and balanced person but there are always moments of worry and uncertainty of the remainders of what was once my family which cannot be fixed that I don’t wish upon anyone.
October is going to be hard month for me. A month were snippets of this Wednesday morning will return, where I will consider if I have made my dad in some way proud with the grown up life i have made for myself and where I will think about my mother even though right now I can do no more than love her and hope she will be a complete person one day again. Maybe this first anniversary will be the hardest but maybe it is good for me to actually let the memory make me  terribly sad that one time a year. A human life is precious with all its flaws and when ended to soon can’t just be forgotten. The family I had may be gone forever but will always be part of me in some way and October will remind me of this each and every year. 


laurielizabeth said...

I saw you yesterday in shoreditch, wish I had said hi now, knowing what a hard day you were having. You didn't let it show though, and looked beautiful.

This is a lovely post, very honest and touching.


Chlöé Butta said...

Be brave and keep shining in your life!! I've lost a member of my family too (3 years ago and in a very hard way), it was very hard too for all the family. Today it's still a little hard for me when the month is coming, but in the letter he left he asked everyone to keep moving on!
Hard but we can only do this and enjoy our lives.
Stay strong!

Sade said...

Beautifully written Stella, I don't know you personally but I can tell you that your father would have been so incredibly proud of you. I've been following your blog for a while now and it's been wonderful to see you and your style grow.

Keep pushing, keep working and keep loving selflessly and I promise you everything will work out. Your mother might find herself, she might not, but that is very much down to her and not to you so please don't be too hard on yourself.

Sending positivity and love your way <3


Sade xo

Nina said...

This was so well written and I can really sympathise with how you're feel. My mum's dad passed away last year and it was so hard to see her dealing with all the fall out from that. The first year has been the hardest, and I never used to believe people when they say it gets better but it's true. You are such a strong person to have built a life for yourself in London and I'm thrilled you're doing what you love. Sending positive thoughts and love your way
Nina from little nomad

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