Wednesday 15 October 2014

2 Years

Does grieving get easier? I am probably the wrong person to ask. It has been nearly exactly to the day two years since my dad, who I had a far from easy relationship with, died suddenly and without warning from a heart attack. On many occasions since when asked about my family I have chosen a little white lie ( mentioning only my mother to insinuate divorce) to avoid the very awkward reaction to the truth I had to fancy many, many times in the immediate  aftermath of his death. Indeed through necessity I quickly learnt to burry the grief I felt to the very back of my mind. Why? Well I not only essentially also lost my mother for a good two years, she nearly falling apart mentally from the loss of her husband and in no way able to be a parental let alone support figure for me, but I had to face the reality of adulthood simultaneously. I had no safety net to fall into once I left uni. The money I had in my account was all there was and the need for a job and security outweighed any emotions. I have been very lucky to have secured exactly this stability in the time that has past since, maybe indeed because my skin had to inevitably grow thicker and I had no choice but work that little bit harder. A boy I liked once told me I was emotionally cold and perhaps the reality of dealing with the death of my father and the prospect of falling into an emotional black hole can make me appear to some that don't know me too well so but all I could say in response to him was " Well what should I be doing, crying in a corner or getting on with my life?".  

That said however once autumn creeps in and the month turns into October even I cannot escape the memories of this anniversary, how I found out after a 9 am lecture on the Russian nobility, mundane facts like what outfit I wore on the day and  the utter panic I heard in my mother's voice that day, and yes October is never going to be easy for me. I will be sad a few of these evenings and that is a good thing because even on my constant sprint away from facing what happened, striving to prove that I can be the most successful, happy and good person out of the situation I was faced with, what happened will never be undone. Even though I may not be the most open about it, the grieving will never end and that tiny bit of dread when October is around the corner will never go away no matter how many years and how many happy memories have past and have been made since. 

1 comment:

Chronicles of Dolliedaydream said...

Ahh Stella hugs from me for your loss - I've only just logged onto your blog having discovered your Instagram feed. Your style is fab, it's great to see younger fashion bloggers with a sense of originality. Your Insta outfits brighten up my boring work days and send me back to my days living in London in my twenties!

Hope you have had some happy days this October too, although your loss is still very recent x